Signs You’re Way Too Old To Be Going Out This Hard

You feel like you’re coated in a permanent lining of dried sweat and whiskey.

The very mention of “shots” makes you want to hire your own personal security detail.

You’ve crossed paths with a particular bouncer with such frequency, you’ve started to wonder, with incredible detail, what his life outside his job is like.

Hangovers have taken on the mantra of the boyfriend/girlfriend who’s around so often, it really doesn’t make sense not to move in.

Every upbeat song making the current radio rounds is somewhat familiar, though you don’t have the slightest clue who all these “going out” songs are by.

You’ve slept on enough random sofas to have penned an review book of them. 

You haven’t bought new clothes in 2 months, but your checking account makes you cringe each time.

After breaking down the numbers, you’ve become so upset with the terrible investment that is drinking alcohol that you need a cocktail this second.

And then subsequently hate-google “AA.”

There is no word to describe the envy you feel for people who “have mornings” and don’t sweat radioactive poison.

Tell everyone you know how much you hate drinking, in the way a third grader with a huge crush on Sarah tells everyone how much he hates Sarah.

You order entire pizzas for yourself, have one bite, burp, and fall asleep.

Your greatest fear is looking at a picture of your liver.

You’ve lost so many dinners to happy hours, you have half a mind to construct a memorial.

Even that really strong-willed angel that floats around your right ear has come to terms with the fact that your car is probably gonna be staying here overnight.

Your blackout resume features both proms and weddings.

You take to shadowing the drunken Aunt/Uncle at weddings, just to see if it’s a suitable career path.

You’ve started to refer to the hardest of your nights as “your ‘nam.”

It’s 2am, you have work in 5 hours, and the zombie that has taken over your body is staring at the wall repeating “drank, drank.” incessantly.

I mean you know it's time to start on the cocoa and early nights when you start finding these relevant!

The Dreaded Drunk Text

Since my decision to go t-total for a while, the biggest thing that has made me happy is the fact I can and do no longer drunk text people. I am NOTORIOUS for it, especially to people who I really shouldn't be texting, especially when drunk. Over time I have come up with a few tactics to try and move forward from the night before when you clicked send once (or fifteen times depending on whether they replied, or maybe they did?) Here is what I have learnt!

What you say: “Sorry for last night I was really drunk and had no idea what I was saying.” Translation: I know exactly what I was at least trying to say, definitely meant it, and there’s a 97% chance it will happen again.

What you say: “Whoops I think I text everyone in my phone last night.” Translation: I text you and you alone last night, because I wanted to talk to you but by telling you it was everyone I will feel much better. 

What you say: “I really didn’t mean to say those things, I would never say them if I wasn’t drinking, you know that.” Translation: We both know I probably would.

What you say: “Look sorry for what I said last night, I don’t really feel that way about you, I’m actually over it, and doing fine.” Translation:  I’ve been waiting for a good weak drunk moment to spill my heart to you so I could regret it and knowingly feel worse after.

What you say: “Sorry for being a bitch last night.. You’re not really an asshole.”   Translation: you are an asshole.

I know it is a bit cliche but I do think deep, deep down we do say what is on our minds when drunk, sometimes we just cannot help ourselves. We grab that wine bottle, drink away our feelings, pick up the phone and go on some cryptic mission saying things we really shouldn't be saying, to people we really shouldn't be saying them to! It happens to the best of us. 

But then again, maybe sometimes when you send that 'I have a huge crush on you text' and the don't ignore it - then maybe it's the start of something? and if they do ignore it? well it's possibly the final kick you need to move on. Yes, life is easier and more coherent when we say what we want to say (and mean) when sober, but where is the fun in that?