There Is No Wrong Way To Feel After A Breakup

I’ve gone through break ups in which I find myself sucking face with someone new twelve hours after I thought my heart would be forever broken. I’ve also had a breakup in which I still find myself crying when I’m reminded of him through things like thunderstorms or when someone brings up the show Downton Abby. There are few incorrect ways to respond to a breakup — although violence in any way shape or form would be one of them.

There is no right amount of time for you to grieve the ending of a romantic connection that you had with someone. Any friend of yours who tells you to “just over it” is an asshole and you should probably stop returning their calls.

When a relationship ends and two people attempt to salvage the lives they had before they became intertwined. After every break up, I will spend weeks meticulously pulling apart my own neurosis from the traits I picked up from being around someone else. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to remember who I was before them. Sometimes it’s obvious to me that I had compromised so much of myself to be their man.

In a breakup, each person wants to appear like they came out of the relationship with the most benefits. They want to know that they’re the one who gained more knowledge, experience, and perspective. More importantly, they want to appear to be the one less damaged by the fallout to those on the outside.

I always hope after a breakup the next time I run into my ex I will look super-mega-foxy-hot with a beautiful man on my arms. I hope I come across as happy, and fulfilled, and did I mention hot? I think this is because I want something to show for the relationship. I want to show how I’ve taken everything I’ve learned and how I’ve improved.

But why is it that we need tangible things to prove that we are better off without someone? We’ll choose to change our hair, our clothes, and our attitudes because we want to invent a new “me” for ourselves.

 

What we fail to realise is that we’re sometimes doing this more for those around us. We want to remind them that we’re doing okay. We want our friends and acquaintances to believe that we’re loving life and laughing more and looking better because without our ex in our life we’re completely reborn. We want to know that we came out of the relationship a better human being. It’s comforting to think that even though we suffered the fights, and the crying, and the crushing separation that we emerged more enlightened.

I sometimes wonder if it’s better to just show other people how you’re truly feeling. After a breakup I don’t feel like showering or working out or eating anything other than junk food.

However, I push myself to the gym, or to get coffee with old friends, and to style my hair a new way in spite of the pain I feel. I do these things because I feel the need to fool others around me into thinking I’m perfectly. At least for a little while, because eventually I will be.

Reasons Why Girls Don't Reply!

When it comes to dating, sometimes girls don't reply or guys for that matter. So when my male friend asked me why this girl didn't reply I asked if he had done any of the following - all of which to my friends and I are immediate 'erm no' 

You said hi. And that’s it.

You’re soliciting me for group sex.

You asked me to marry you.

You said something sexist. 

You told me how gorgeous/beautiful/sexy I am in the first sentence.

You addressed me as Hey Gorgeous/Beautiful/Sexy.

You told me you love [insert body part here].

You asked what I’m wearing right now.

You mentioned that you’ve had a little too much to drink tonight.

You told me I must be a freaky girl because I’m a (Your hair colour) and ALL (your hair colour) are kinky.

You made a “Call Me Maybe” reference.

You asked if I would be into something “casual.”

You spelled “cool” with a K.

You said you have nothing interesting to say.

You told me not to be intimidated by you.

You used the wrong form of “you’re.”

You saw that I have a cat and asked if you could “pet my pussy.”

You said I’m out of your league.

You’re under the age of 21.

You used a million punctuation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!

You said you were hoping I had a large porn collection.

I’m allowed to be a little shallow and, to be honest, I’m just not physically attracted to you.

What makes you instantly be like no?

50 Questions To Ask Your Crush

Someone I’m friends with told me about a date she was on where the guy asked her what her favourite colour was. She broke it off right then because, as she explained, at her age she had deep life experiences and if he was only interested in superficial crap like colour preferences, they were incompatible. With that in mind, I collected a a cheat sheet of questions that can speak to your potential partner’s substance (or lack thereof). Or, at least give you something to talk about if it turns out you don’t have awesome conversation chemistry.

1. What is one thing you will never do again?

2. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy?

3. What happened the last time you cried?

4. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something?

5. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you?

6. What’s your worst habit?

7. What superpower would you have for one day?

8. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on?

9. Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world?

10. What is your most bizarre annoyance?

 11. Who knows you the best?

12. What after school activities did you do in high school?

13. What “most likely to” superlative would you be most honoured to receive?

14. What’s the last book you really loved?

15. What was the greatest television show of all time?

16. What’s been your favourite age so far?

17. If you could go back in time, what is one piece of advice you would give your younger self?

18. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it?

19. Apologise or ask permission?

20. Unlimited love or money?

21. If you knew you would die in one week, what would you do?

22. What’s your most listened to song?

23. Beach Holiday or City Holiday?

24. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at?

25. What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

26. What celebrity would you trade lives with?

27. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album?

28. What story do your friends still give you crap about?

29. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around?

30. What is the ideal number of people to have over on a Friday night?

31. What was the worst age you’ve been so far?

32. What is your weirdest dealbreaker?

33. What fictional character reminds you most of yourself?

34. Do you believe in karma?

35. What was your favourite TV show as a kid?

36. What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person?

37. What would be your mastermind speciality?

38. What is something you’re superstitious about?

39. What is the scariest experience you have ever had?


40. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for parliament?

41. What cheesey song do you have memorised?

42. What one dead person would you most like to have dinner with, if it were possible?

43. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news?

44. What is the best present you’ve ever received?

45. Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free wifi wherever you go, for the rest of your life?

46. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day?

47. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom?

48. What is the nicest thing someone could say about you?

49. Giant house in a housing estate or tiny house somewhere with a view?

50. What is the weirdest quirk your family has?

Would you ask any specific questions?!

Things That End A Relationship Before It Begins!

Relationships are hard. So hard, that sometimes we destroy them before they even come to be. We’re just so excited about this new person, this new prospect, that we just want to jump to the end where everyone is happy and in love. And in doing that, we ruin the whole thing. If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep doing what you’re doing and avoid doing these things. And to those who have done one, or some, or all of these things — I feel you. I really do.

Here are things that will end a relationship before it begins:

Being available all the time

If you’re available a lot, that’s fine. But don’t let anyone know that. You want people (and not just people you want to date and have sexy times with) to think that you’ve got a life full of important and fabulous things to do. And if you’ve got too much time on your hands, then find something to do. Clean your home. Make plans to see that friend you haven’t seen in years — and actually do it. Make your own schedule.

Texting or calling too frequently

I hate hate hate the whole texting game. People have lots of rules. Rules like, “don’t text right after your date” “don’t text the next day” “don’t text for 3 days” “Have a ratio, for every 3 texts she sends you, send 1 back” and so forth. That last one is infuriating. If you’re the sort of person who communicates via text, I’m not asking you to shut it down. I’m asking you to take a moment and think, “Do I really need to text this?” Is it to confirm plans? Go for it. Are you sharing an inside joke? Go for it. Are you telling them you had a great time? Go for it. But do not go for it every day. And do not text things that won’t go anywhere. Things like, “Hey! What’s up?” “Oh, nothing, you?” “Just chilling.” “Cool.” I mean come on, what is anyone supposed to do with that? And if you do that several times a day, it gets really annoying, really fast.

Getting caught Facebook stalking them and/or their ex

We all do it, just don’t get caught. If you do, it’s nearly impossible to get over. They have to have a really good sense of humor, and you have to be breezy about it. But for some people, this can end it immediately. To them, it suggests that you’re insecure.

Asking them almost every day what their plans are and if they’d like to hang out/go out

I’ve done this and I’ve had this done to me. And being on the other side of it, it made me feel very uncomfortable. Yeah, I like you, we had a good time, but why are you so insistent on seeing me? And don’t you understand that I work? I’ve told you that I work. Can you just chill out a tiny bit? I also feel badly when every time you invite me I have to tell you that I have plans, because I actually do have plans, but soon I may want to get the point where I tell you I have plans even when I don’t and I don’t like lying to people. Let me miss you a little bit. Make some plans, if they don’t work for me, I’ll offer suggestions, and we’ll figure something out.

Making or planning big events or trips too far ahead

It’s like you’re challenging the universe to break you up. Oh, your cousin’s getting married in about a year? Better let them know that even though you just met this guy last week and he seems cool, you’re gonna need a plus one.

Being too familiar and too intimate (in a non-sexy way)

I know it’s exciting at the thought of meeting his friends and/or family, but it’s a little weird if you try to force it. If you ask him, “How’s your niece, Madeline?” when he hasn’t even mentioned his niece Madeline, but you know she exists because you saw her on his Instagram feed. That throws people off. And by being too intimate, I mean, doing boyfriend-y things when you’ve only gone on 1 date. On your second date, if you jump into his arms and call him pet names you just made up and grab his hand it can make the other person feel really, really awkward. 

Having “the relationship talk” WAY too soon

Oh God nothing kills the relationship like talking about the relationship. It makes sense if you’ve been together for a few months and you want to know if you’re going to be exclusive, and how do you feel about what we have going on here, and so forth. But if you’ve been on 2 dates and you’re having this talk, it’s going to end badly. You’re going to freak the other person out, and really you’re only asking because you’re so freaked out, so now you have 2 freaked out people who are both thinking, “What are we doing, I just wanted to have fun.” Don’t do this. And why do people do this? Let’s go to the next...

Over analysing everything

Texting has ruined a lot about dating. We’re so careful now about what we text and when we want to describe to our friends how our interactions with dudes go, we simply copy/paste the text to every friend. And usually, each friend comes back with an entirely different interpretation. And it’s a mess. And you’ll start to think of all the little things that happened that you know aren’t important, but now that you’re spiraling into this insecure place, you’re telling your friend, “He took me to a casual restaurant without waiters, he’s totally not into me, is he?” THIS GETS YOU NOWHERE, STOP.

Worrying about the future

“Are we going to last? Is this the person I’m going to marry? Will my parents like them? Will they like my parents? Are we going to take trips to Spain together? Shit, I should buy a new suitcase. If I save up money now, I’ll have enough in 3 months for a trip to Spain. What if we don’t make it in 3 months?” This is destructive and don’t do this. (And don’t plan trips to Spain after knowing someone for a handful of days.) To quote Doris Day,
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see.

Falling too hard, too fast — and telling them  

You know what “Classic Schmosby” means? It refers to the character Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother. At the end of Ted’s perfect first date, he tells her, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” This was a habit Ted couldn’t break. So every time someone said “I love you” too soon, it was known as pulling a “Classic Schmosby.” And sometimes you later realise that you weren’t actually in love — you just really wanted to be. It’s okay to fall in love, but don’t say anything until you’re sure that’s what you’re really feeling, and wait a little bit. Don’t rush these great times, these beginning stages where you get to know someone and sometimes you can’t even look at them directly because they’re so god damn cute.

Stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy it.

Dating Mistakes!

We have all been there, but here are our tips for the dating game!

Game playing:

 
This strategy is usually employed for one of two reasons. The first is to protect one’s ego. When it comes to dating, everyone, on some level, fears rejection. Playing it cool and not getting too involved may make you feel safe, but you risk coming across as aloof or remote, and may turn the other person off. Balance between demonstrating interest and maintaining your composure is best. Another reason people play games is to get something you want that you wouldn’t likely get if you played it straight. For example, telling someone you love him or her so they will sleep with you, and then not calling them again. This form of manipulation is simply unacceptable (to put it mildly), and does not lead to healthy relationships. You will get further in less time in finding a relationship if you allow yourself to be genuine. It’s OK to put your best foot forward, and also to be a bit cautious, but have the courage to be upfront and show who you are.

Talking too much about your ex:

 
While this information will eventually be shared at least to some extent, it shouldn’t be discussed in detail during the initial phase of a relationship. You want to get to know the person and each have a chance for a fresh start. Carrying old baggage into a new relationship amounts to clutter. If you have baggage, then best to work it out before pursuing a new relationship, at least to a point where it isn’t affecting your reactions and clouding your judgement.

Obsessing over details:

 
This one is common with those who worry. The worry may be a general habit, but now it is turned on the subject of the relationship: worry about what the other person said, worry about what they meant by it, worry about how you reacted, worry about the relationship not working out, worry about what if it does work out, how will your parents react…on and on. Being anxious is a mood killer, and will not make you attractive to a potential mate. But don’t go worrying about that! Try to tap into your self-confidence and trust that if the relationship is meant to work out, it will.

Ignoring red flags:

 
If someone doesn’t show up when you’re supposed to meet, that’s a red flag. If they don’t let you call them at home, yep, red flag. If they kick their dog, bingo, red flag. Of course, there are more subtle warnings that one may be tempted to overlook, especially if one is eager for the relationship to work out. While one shouldn’t jump to conclusions without sufficient evidence on the first problem that arises, an emerging pattern is not something to make excuses for or brush under the rug. Address these problems early, and don’t waste your time.

 

Interrogating your date:

 
“How many children do you want” is not a good opening sentence. You want to show interest by asking about their likes or dislikes, but not press someone for information. Let things evolve a bit, as you get to know someone. Patience and restraint are required here, even though you may feel pressed for time. Do your best to relax and have fun.

Talking too much about yourself:

Just like asking too many questions especially of the personal nature is bad, going on and on about yourself  is just as bad. It can come across as self centred, selfish and really it's quite annoying - of course talk about yourself, but make sure it's on an equal playing field!

LEAVE THE PHONE ALONE!

 There is nothing more annoying than someone who cannot put their phone down, least of all on a date! Keep it on silent, and leave it be! 

Do you have any tips?

 

Texts NOT To Send After a First Date.

SO! You have just been on a date with Harry Styles, now do you want him to react like that? (OK clearly the odds of you going on a date with Harry Styles are limited, but do you want any guy to react like that?) No, you don't. Now I don't know what you should say, I don't know the rules, but I do not what NOT to say. After a great first date? do not text the following: 

I know I’m supposed to wait a certain amount of time to text you or whatever but I’m doing it now anyway, five minutes after you got into the cab. It’s not because I love you. But I’m also not saying that I don’t love you. Teehee.

Since you came into my life, I miss you so bad. I miss you so bad. I miss you so so bad. So call me, maybe?

I’ve had sex with 12 people but none of them made me feel the way you did with just one little hug. How many people have you slept with?

As soon as I put I got home I called my mum about our date and she says she feels like she knows you already. I can’t wait to meet your family!

I wish we were snuggling right now :/ :/ :/ :/

I have never felt a connection like this before.

I bet we would have really cute babies.

You can come over if you want. I’ll even make my Teddy move over so there’s room ;).

Seriously, as once they are sent - THEY ARE SENT. Text your best friend / your mum / your therapist your crazy weird feelings, but not them!