There Is No Wrong Way To Feel After A Breakup

I’ve gone through break ups in which I find myself sucking face with someone new twelve hours after I thought my heart would be forever broken. I’ve also had a breakup in which I still find myself crying when I’m reminded of him through things like thunderstorms or when someone brings up the show Downton Abby. There are few incorrect ways to respond to a breakup — although violence in any way shape or form would be one of them.

There is no right amount of time for you to grieve the ending of a romantic connection that you had with someone. Any friend of yours who tells you to “just over it” is an asshole and you should probably stop returning their calls.

When a relationship ends and two people attempt to salvage the lives they had before they became intertwined. After every break up, I will spend weeks meticulously pulling apart my own neurosis from the traits I picked up from being around someone else. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to remember who I was before them. Sometimes it’s obvious to me that I had compromised so much of myself to be their man.

In a breakup, each person wants to appear like they came out of the relationship with the most benefits. They want to know that they’re the one who gained more knowledge, experience, and perspective. More importantly, they want to appear to be the one less damaged by the fallout to those on the outside.

I always hope after a breakup the next time I run into my ex I will look super-mega-foxy-hot with a beautiful man on my arms. I hope I come across as happy, and fulfilled, and did I mention hot? I think this is because I want something to show for the relationship. I want to show how I’ve taken everything I’ve learned and how I’ve improved.

But why is it that we need tangible things to prove that we are better off without someone? We’ll choose to change our hair, our clothes, and our attitudes because we want to invent a new “me” for ourselves.

 

What we fail to realise is that we’re sometimes doing this more for those around us. We want to remind them that we’re doing okay. We want our friends and acquaintances to believe that we’re loving life and laughing more and looking better because without our ex in our life we’re completely reborn. We want to know that we came out of the relationship a better human being. It’s comforting to think that even though we suffered the fights, and the crying, and the crushing separation that we emerged more enlightened.

I sometimes wonder if it’s better to just show other people how you’re truly feeling. After a breakup I don’t feel like showering or working out or eating anything other than junk food.

However, I push myself to the gym, or to get coffee with old friends, and to style my hair a new way in spite of the pain I feel. I do these things because I feel the need to fool others around me into thinking I’m perfectly. At least for a little while, because eventually I will be.

Things That End A Relationship Before It Begins!

Relationships are hard. So hard, that sometimes we destroy them before they even come to be. We’re just so excited about this new person, this new prospect, that we just want to jump to the end where everyone is happy and in love. And in doing that, we ruin the whole thing. If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep doing what you’re doing and avoid doing these things. And to those who have done one, or some, or all of these things — I feel you. I really do.

Here are things that will end a relationship before it begins:

Being available all the time

If you’re available a lot, that’s fine. But don’t let anyone know that. You want people (and not just people you want to date and have sexy times with) to think that you’ve got a life full of important and fabulous things to do. And if you’ve got too much time on your hands, then find something to do. Clean your home. Make plans to see that friend you haven’t seen in years — and actually do it. Make your own schedule.

Texting or calling too frequently

I hate hate hate the whole texting game. People have lots of rules. Rules like, “don’t text right after your date” “don’t text the next day” “don’t text for 3 days” “Have a ratio, for every 3 texts she sends you, send 1 back” and so forth. That last one is infuriating. If you’re the sort of person who communicates via text, I’m not asking you to shut it down. I’m asking you to take a moment and think, “Do I really need to text this?” Is it to confirm plans? Go for it. Are you sharing an inside joke? Go for it. Are you telling them you had a great time? Go for it. But do not go for it every day. And do not text things that won’t go anywhere. Things like, “Hey! What’s up?” “Oh, nothing, you?” “Just chilling.” “Cool.” I mean come on, what is anyone supposed to do with that? And if you do that several times a day, it gets really annoying, really fast.

Getting caught Facebook stalking them and/or their ex

We all do it, just don’t get caught. If you do, it’s nearly impossible to get over. They have to have a really good sense of humor, and you have to be breezy about it. But for some people, this can end it immediately. To them, it suggests that you’re insecure.

Asking them almost every day what their plans are and if they’d like to hang out/go out

I’ve done this and I’ve had this done to me. And being on the other side of it, it made me feel very uncomfortable. Yeah, I like you, we had a good time, but why are you so insistent on seeing me? And don’t you understand that I work? I’ve told you that I work. Can you just chill out a tiny bit? I also feel badly when every time you invite me I have to tell you that I have plans, because I actually do have plans, but soon I may want to get the point where I tell you I have plans even when I don’t and I don’t like lying to people. Let me miss you a little bit. Make some plans, if they don’t work for me, I’ll offer suggestions, and we’ll figure something out.

Making or planning big events or trips too far ahead

It’s like you’re challenging the universe to break you up. Oh, your cousin’s getting married in about a year? Better let them know that even though you just met this guy last week and he seems cool, you’re gonna need a plus one.

Being too familiar and too intimate (in a non-sexy way)

I know it’s exciting at the thought of meeting his friends and/or family, but it’s a little weird if you try to force it. If you ask him, “How’s your niece, Madeline?” when he hasn’t even mentioned his niece Madeline, but you know she exists because you saw her on his Instagram feed. That throws people off. And by being too intimate, I mean, doing boyfriend-y things when you’ve only gone on 1 date. On your second date, if you jump into his arms and call him pet names you just made up and grab his hand it can make the other person feel really, really awkward. 

Having “the relationship talk” WAY too soon

Oh God nothing kills the relationship like talking about the relationship. It makes sense if you’ve been together for a few months and you want to know if you’re going to be exclusive, and how do you feel about what we have going on here, and so forth. But if you’ve been on 2 dates and you’re having this talk, it’s going to end badly. You’re going to freak the other person out, and really you’re only asking because you’re so freaked out, so now you have 2 freaked out people who are both thinking, “What are we doing, I just wanted to have fun.” Don’t do this. And why do people do this? Let’s go to the next...

Over analysing everything

Texting has ruined a lot about dating. We’re so careful now about what we text and when we want to describe to our friends how our interactions with dudes go, we simply copy/paste the text to every friend. And usually, each friend comes back with an entirely different interpretation. And it’s a mess. And you’ll start to think of all the little things that happened that you know aren’t important, but now that you’re spiraling into this insecure place, you’re telling your friend, “He took me to a casual restaurant without waiters, he’s totally not into me, is he?” THIS GETS YOU NOWHERE, STOP.

Worrying about the future

“Are we going to last? Is this the person I’m going to marry? Will my parents like them? Will they like my parents? Are we going to take trips to Spain together? Shit, I should buy a new suitcase. If I save up money now, I’ll have enough in 3 months for a trip to Spain. What if we don’t make it in 3 months?” This is destructive and don’t do this. (And don’t plan trips to Spain after knowing someone for a handful of days.) To quote Doris Day,
Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see.

Falling too hard, too fast — and telling them  

You know what “Classic Schmosby” means? It refers to the character Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother. At the end of Ted’s perfect first date, he tells her, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” This was a habit Ted couldn’t break. So every time someone said “I love you” too soon, it was known as pulling a “Classic Schmosby.” And sometimes you later realise that you weren’t actually in love — you just really wanted to be. It’s okay to fall in love, but don’t say anything until you’re sure that’s what you’re really feeling, and wait a little bit. Don’t rush these great times, these beginning stages where you get to know someone and sometimes you can’t even look at them directly because they’re so god damn cute.

Stop, take a deep breath, and enjoy it.

How To Impress The In - Laws!

You might actually be blessed with lovely in laws, but even the loveliest will initially question whether you are good enough for their precious baby. Most will subject you to a trail by fire to prove your worth. 

- On a first meeting never attempt to cook - unless you are a celebrity chef. 

Dress To Impress - But Do Not Terrify 

First impressions count. Even if bondage and corsets are the height of fashion, save them for another occasion. The hooker look might get the dad on side, a 'high fashion' label win over the trend - conscious sister; a string of pearls for the mother. But don't dress for them. You have to be yourself (albeit toned down). Instead of vampy nails go clean, and give the push up bra a day off. 

Do Your Homework

Know some current affairs, be up to date on soap operas, and scan national newspapers for a week before so you have general knowledge of world events. Also be aware of family feuds, fall outs, etc. 

On The Day
Keep your mobile off. 

Do Not Drink To Excess

You will be nervous so it could go to your head dangerously fast. Be responsible but not a kill-joy. 

Be Prepared
As with a job interview; know answers for the following frequently asked questions;
How did you meet?
Do you like children, do you want children? have any?
Are you planning on getting married?
Are you a gold digger?
Have you got a criminal record?
Do you moonlight as a pole dancer?

Avoid
It is generally wise to stay clear of subjects such as:
Bikini-waxing horror stories
Exes and lurid one-night stands
Debauchery and favourite swear words

Stick With
Keep on the positive side and stay with topics like:
How much you like the restaurant 
How much you like the area/place you live
How much you love being with whoever.
Touch on where you grew up, studied, your family. Paint an idyllic picture of family bliss and wholesome education, aka brady bunch.
Emphasise you own career, that you are your own person, with your own aspirations, and how they compliment his. This shows you are independent, intelligent and an asset to the relationship and their family.

Do you have any tips?

He Loves You Not

He has a girlfriend. And that girlfriend is not you.

There are certain things that we don’t really question in life: red light means stop, Coachella is hella overrated, One Direction fans are bat shit mental and so on.  But for some reason, when we really like someone, we question the shit out of their relationship status, even when it’s right there out in the open. Social media doesn’t lie; Man of your dreams is IN A RELATIONSHIP with some stupid girl who doesn’t even look THAT pretty in her profile picture…

 

 

Bottom line: sitting around, pining and day dreaming of the day he confesses that his girlfriend is in fact some sort of cover up story because he’s in witness protection and you are the one he truly loves (or just that he dumped his girlfriend and wants to be with you) is not going to do you any favours. Best case scenario? His relationship crashes and burns, enough time passes so that you are not his rebound, and something beautiful kindles between you two. Worst case scenario? You murder the girlfriend and are sentenced to life imprisonment. Most likely scenario: you are going feel lonely and binge on Netflix, turn down opportunities with people who are actually available, and drive your friends nuts with how often you analyse his text messages.

Do your best to limit your time around him and maybe think about hiding his activity from your newsfeed. Nobody wants to see their dumb trip to even dumber Paris…Fear not, with time, feelings will fade if you do your best to not feed into the fantasy. But seriously, it just sucks. It sucks a big one. Always be cautious around the handsome boy with the clever jokes when he already has someone to hold.

 

 

Break Up Tips I Wish I Had Listened To

When my first serious relationship ended, I turned into a mess of watching crap on tv, eating takeaways, and crying into bottles of wine. Eventually I got over my ex, but the advice I was given during this time, I wish had listened to. It would have made the situation better, I would have felt better sooner. These are some of the better break-up pearls of wisdom I received; be smarter than me and listen to these pointers — it’ll make the process much less terrible.

Talk About It.

In order to fully get over any situation, you should talk about it and reason it through. Figure out what went wrong. Reason through it. Understand that it wasn’t your fault — it always takes two. Avoid playing the “what if” game (unless you’re trying to drive yourself crazy). Grab anyone who will listen and vent until you feel yourself feeling better.

Depend On Your Friends, But Be There For Them As Well.

One silver lining of any break-up is that you inevitably become closer to your friends. You will probably rely on them a lot for emotional support because you’ve just lost one of the people closest to you. Who else is going to drag you out of your place when you’ve been holed up in your room, wearing the same pyjamas for three days in a row and writing angst-y poetry that sounds like something straight out of Taylor Swift’s diary?

Go on friend dates. Go to dinner, the movies, or parties with them. You are no longer singularly focusing all of your emotional energy on one other person; take the opportunity to focus it on those around you and become a better friend.

Stop Speaking To Them Regularly, For At Least A Period Of Time.


If you continue talking to your ex without having gotten over your break-up — even if it is only semi-regularly — you will constantly feel shitty because they will continue to be on your mind. Breaking up with someone means that you can no longer be emotionally involved with him or her in the same way; you can’t turn to your ex for validation and you can’t let him or her use you for validation either. Maybe you two had an umbilical cord of undying communication before you broke up. Maybe you told each other everything — from what you ate for breakfast to something funny your boss said. You don’t get to do that anymore. Wait until you’ve had some time to heal before you resume communication.

Focus Energy On Yourself 

One perk of breaking up with someone is that you suddenly have all of this time that you’re no longer spending on or with him or her. Take some of that time and invest it in yourself — whether it be working on self-improvement or taking up a new hobby. Read books. Go the gym. Learn how to speak Japanese. Find something that can sap up some of your energy, serving as a distraction while also making you feel good about yourself.
 

Avoid Their Social Media

The reasoning behind this is very similar to the logic behind #3. We live in the age of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and what-have-you. The problem with social media is that it feeds our greatest fear: that our ex is having fun — no, that our ex is happier — without us. The more time you spend at your desk, refreshing their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing or who they’re hanging out with at any given moment, the more you stunt your emotional growth.

So, hide them from your News Feed. Un-follow them for a little while. It might seem petty, but you will thank yourself for it later.

Don't Hook Up With Them Again

It’s easy to hook up with an ex. You already know what they like, and you already feel comfortable with them. In addition, chances are that you’re still attracted to them — even though it would be so much easier if you weren’t. Don’t hook up with them after you’ve broken up. Just don’t do it, no matter how tempting it seems. Doing so is like ripping open the delicate scab that has just begun to form over the gash they slashed in your heart. You will continue to feel attached to them, and it will just take longer to get over them. 

Don't Rebound Too Fast

We all know the serial dater — the person who jumps straight into one relationship from another. This probably isn’t the healthiest break-up tactic: more often than not, it means that you’re placing your self-worth in the state of being with another person.  Learn how to be alone first. Learn how to make yourself happy instead of relying on other people to make you happy. Learn how to depend on yourself before you allow yourself to depend on someone else.

 When You Feel Ready, Date Casually.

They say that one of the best ways to get over someone is to get under someone else. While this isn’t wholly true, it can help the process — as long as you aren’t trying to become emotionally involved with someone too soon after your break-up (see #7).  Dating casually — or even hooking up casually — can help you regain some of the confidence that you probably lost after your break-up. Though you can’t depend on external validation, it’s nice to feel wanted and to know that other people want you.

Get Rid Of Their Stuff

keeping their stuff is unnecessary emotional masochism. It will only serve to remind you of them and the memories you shared, which you may be able to look back upon with fondness in the future but certainly not before you’ve gotten over the break-up.

Do yourself a favour and toss out their stuff — even the really expensive necklace they bought you from Tiffany’s for your birthday. Think of it as emotional cleansing. Just as you’ve purged them from your life, purge all of the stuff that came with them.

It Gets Better

You will find yourself thinking about them less and less. Sometimes, you will go whole days — and then whole weeks — without thinking about them. You will forget all of the details of their life that seemed so significant when you loved them. When it feels shitty, it feels shitty and you’ll just have to tough it out. But one day, you will wake up and all the pain and anger you harboured during the bleakest moments of your break-up will have disappeared.

The Art Of Being Single

Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship. It was always just the way it was, and suddenly I have found myself single. The break up? was messy, it hurt, and I was suddenly very alone. Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself? It sounds pathetic but I had never been alone. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else? So here are some thing I have learnt, and realised and why you shouldn’t be afraid to be singe - trust me being with the wrong person? is so much worse.

Being single, gives you time to be with yourself, by yourself. Finally some me time. This is the time to reconnect with myself, a time where I can talk to myself, debating all the questions and answers that are bouncing in my head.  This is the time of reflection. This is the time of acceptance and letting go, which brings me to the second point…

If you don’t let go of the past, you will never appreciate the present. Yes I have fond memories of my ex, but that was in the past. I know I will always cherish those memories, but I need to stop clinging to them to live for today and plan for tomorrow. Buddha said every day you are born again—that means new experiences and adventures for today!

It’s only after you have lost everything that you are free to find out what you were missing. Now that I’m single, I have an opportunity to do all the things I put off while I was putting all my energy into my relationships. I have to believe that I will eventually have the things I lost, but for now I’m taking this time to enjoy myself and complete myself. Also change can sometimes be good.  My heart has been bashed, bruised and broken. But I don’t feel traumatised, and I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect. Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life.

Even if you’re single, you still have so much to appreciate.

“Being single is not the end of the world,” a friend said to me. She continued by saying “There are other problems that are more depressing than being single—hunger and homelessness, for instance.”This felt like a slap in the face to wake me up. It reminded me that even with a broken heart, I am still standing. I’m still breathing. There are still so many possibilities for me.

You’re not alone when you’re single; you still have family and good friends.

I am lucky to have a supportive mother and sister and friends. They are my sanity—my light. Spending time with them relaxes me in a way. I’m also fortunate to have wonderfully good friends who are always there with open arms, ready to listen and support me. I know for sure I can always share my happiness and sorrow with them. I can always depend on them without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. And now that I’m single, I have even more time to devote to being there for them.

 

Being single is a call to focus on yourself. Sometimes being in a relationship can make you lazy about developing yourself. You can get so comfortable that your goals take a back seat. When you’re single, it prompts you to look deep inside yourself and identify the person you really want to be—whether you’re in a relationship or not.  Something better will come your way if you’re open to it.

I found a lovely quote through twitter, “To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm.” When something bad happens, we tend to concentrate on the negatives, forgetting that there must be something positive hidden somewhere in the havoc. You will know happiness in the future—and in the present, if you’re open to it.

Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.

I believe that everything in life is a process. When something dramatic and fast hits us, it will take time to process it and start over.

I am starting over. As a newbie in singlehood I still have a lot to learn, understand, and explore. I sometimes need to be reminded to be grateful for what I have. As we all know, these words are easier said than practiced. So I hold onto one important idea that I’d like to leave you with:

Change comes from within. You alone have to decide if you want that change.

Texts NOT To Send After a First Date.

SO! You have just been on a date with Harry Styles, now do you want him to react like that? (OK clearly the odds of you going on a date with Harry Styles are limited, but do you want any guy to react like that?) No, you don't. Now I don't know what you should say, I don't know the rules, but I do not what NOT to say. After a great first date? do not text the following: 

I know I’m supposed to wait a certain amount of time to text you or whatever but I’m doing it now anyway, five minutes after you got into the cab. It’s not because I love you. But I’m also not saying that I don’t love you. Teehee.

Since you came into my life, I miss you so bad. I miss you so bad. I miss you so so bad. So call me, maybe?

I’ve had sex with 12 people but none of them made me feel the way you did with just one little hug. How many people have you slept with?

As soon as I put I got home I called my mum about our date and she says she feels like she knows you already. I can’t wait to meet your family!

I wish we were snuggling right now :/ :/ :/ :/

I have never felt a connection like this before.

I bet we would have really cute babies.

You can come over if you want. I’ll even make my Teddy move over so there’s room ;).

Seriously, as once they are sent - THEY ARE SENT. Text your best friend / your mum / your therapist your crazy weird feelings, but not them! 

Blocking After A Breakup

Facebook, for most, is part of our daily lives and when it comes to creating relationships and connection it is a worthwhile platform to be part of. However, Facebook can also be very dangerous when a relationship breaks down as you may well be finding yourself spending hours on the platform stalking your ex. This is, of course, is a BIG no-no! Believe me, I have been there.

Here are five reasons why Facebook stalking your ex is a bad idea:

1) It will keep you hurting

You need time to heal and watching what he is up to is not giving you the space to do so. Instead de-friend him so you can heal. If you don't want to de-friend facebook allows you to hide, but if you find yourself continuing to then still look, then de-friend. Healing has to be done in your own space with no disturbances. Part of the healing process is to commit to letting go of the exact things you don't want to let go of and change. However if you do make that commitment, magic happens.

2) It's detrimental to your self-esteem.

When you are healing your heart, its important to focus on you and use your time to do this to build up your self-esteem again. Instead do things that build up your self-esteem by finding out what is important to you in your inner world.

3) Stop you from meeting someone else.

If you are focusing on your ex and putting all your energy into that, are you allowing the space for someone new to come in? Of course not. Instead, focus on allowing the space for someone new, so that you can move on with your life. 

4) Waste your time

There is only one resource that you will never get back and that is your time. It may sound cliché but oh so true. Why give them your time? Surely your time is better served doing something wonderful for you instead of giving up your power to someone that ultimately is no longer in your life?

Don't have your power taken from you and when you feel the urge to get on there, do something else to nurture yourself. 

5) You will believe what is not true.

Facebook, in my very humble opinion, is NOT real. It is extremely one-sided and for the most part, people don't ever seem to be sad. You only ever get the one sided happy perspective of how amazing our lives are. Nevertheless, how do we really know that this is the truth? We don't.

The problem with stalking your ex, is that you will start to believe that he is having an incredible time of it. You will start comparing your life to his and guaranteed you will feel that moving on for your ex was easy, when in fact you just don't know. Assumptions only ever bring suffering.

Instead, focus on your life and what you are doing and this will start to bring your self confidence back.

How To Deal With A Break Up On Social Media

Oh break ups! You have the raging row, you storm our the house, you put the angriest song on and drive home. What is our first instinct? Get on social media, slam him, put independent woman quotes, tweets 'girl problems' on the twitter. Don't worry we have all been there, you're not alone – in this digital age people are very quick to take to social media to express emotions (especially when alcohol has been involved.) But it's become a general second nature, think of all the photos of dinner in instagram! But when it comes to break ups? DON'T DO IT. 

Instead, practice some social media break-up etiquette. Now, every break-up is different, so not all of these rules will apply to any one relationship. They are more like guidelines for a happier social media life. So, heed the warnings! Here is our advice 

Do NOT rant about your Ex on Facebook. Everyone wants to do this. It has become almost an instinctive reaction to either good or bad news. The whole Facebook world needs to know about it, right? Wrong. Please, keep that shit to yourself. Because you know what? Think about it when we see people post stuff like that, we laugh? we analyse? And we make assumptions etc – so don't let you be that person.

 

If you do want to post something, then post something positive, something good in your life and about new beginnings etc. So don't post that clearly attention begging status such as 'Why do bad things always happen to me?' it's attention seeking and quite frankly annoying. Post something positive! This IS a new beginning. 

Yes, feel free to delete your Ex, unfollow him, and basically eliminate him from your social network. It’s your personal network, and if you don’t want to see him/him to see you, by all means, get rid of him. It can also be wise to do this especially if you find yourself continuing to check his facebook/twitter/instagram it stops you from being able to. 

Defiantly do this to avoid the urge to stalk your ex after a few wines at 2am. This is the biggest problem! As when you accidentally hit like his status from 2011 or a picture, or see new girls commenting etc well it's only going to make you feel bad.

 

However, I would advise against blocking the Ex, (unless necessary). I know not everyone wants to be friends with an Ex, but he/she was very close to you for a reason. By not blocking, you leave the option for friendship open. However if he is cheating, lying horrible bastard? Well they by all means block away. But from experience I am friends with a few exes, and only because the door was left open. 

There is then the problem of the mutual friends, or being friends with his family and friends. Now deleting them all straight away can look bad, so possibly if you can just do it slowly weed them out over a few weeks. That being said just because you met through your ex as long as it doesn't cause any drama then why not stay friends with them? 

Angry? Got some pretty racey photos of your ex? Well don't post them, don't honestly. Even if he has done you wrong, what are the chances he has something you might not even know about? Save them for a laugh, but if you post them it makes you look angry and upset (even though you might be) but you're asking for a war, and trust me no one will win. 

Finally, when in doubt, do NOT post anything when you’re upset, angry or sad. I’m talking anything. It could be liking a status, tweeting something snarky, or just writing “I Miss You” on his wall. Don’t do it! None of these are things that you’re going to look back on in 24 hours and think, oh yeah, that was smart. 

Break ups suck. It’s a fact of life. But Love is great, and people will continue to search for it. Just remember, along the path to finding that right guy, you’ll have some stumbles. 

So, just make sure your social media self doesn’t create more issues and drama than your real life.