Dating Mistakes!

We have all been there, but here are our tips for the dating game!

Game playing:

 
This strategy is usually employed for one of two reasons. The first is to protect one’s ego. When it comes to dating, everyone, on some level, fears rejection. Playing it cool and not getting too involved may make you feel safe, but you risk coming across as aloof or remote, and may turn the other person off. Balance between demonstrating interest and maintaining your composure is best. Another reason people play games is to get something you want that you wouldn’t likely get if you played it straight. For example, telling someone you love him or her so they will sleep with you, and then not calling them again. This form of manipulation is simply unacceptable (to put it mildly), and does not lead to healthy relationships. You will get further in less time in finding a relationship if you allow yourself to be genuine. It’s OK to put your best foot forward, and also to be a bit cautious, but have the courage to be upfront and show who you are.

Talking too much about your ex:

 
While this information will eventually be shared at least to some extent, it shouldn’t be discussed in detail during the initial phase of a relationship. You want to get to know the person and each have a chance for a fresh start. Carrying old baggage into a new relationship amounts to clutter. If you have baggage, then best to work it out before pursuing a new relationship, at least to a point where it isn’t affecting your reactions and clouding your judgement.

Obsessing over details:

 
This one is common with those who worry. The worry may be a general habit, but now it is turned on the subject of the relationship: worry about what the other person said, worry about what they meant by it, worry about how you reacted, worry about the relationship not working out, worry about what if it does work out, how will your parents react…on and on. Being anxious is a mood killer, and will not make you attractive to a potential mate. But don’t go worrying about that! Try to tap into your self-confidence and trust that if the relationship is meant to work out, it will.

Ignoring red flags:

 
If someone doesn’t show up when you’re supposed to meet, that’s a red flag. If they don’t let you call them at home, yep, red flag. If they kick their dog, bingo, red flag. Of course, there are more subtle warnings that one may be tempted to overlook, especially if one is eager for the relationship to work out. While one shouldn’t jump to conclusions without sufficient evidence on the first problem that arises, an emerging pattern is not something to make excuses for or brush under the rug. Address these problems early, and don’t waste your time.

 

Interrogating your date:

 
“How many children do you want” is not a good opening sentence. You want to show interest by asking about their likes or dislikes, but not press someone for information. Let things evolve a bit, as you get to know someone. Patience and restraint are required here, even though you may feel pressed for time. Do your best to relax and have fun.

Talking too much about yourself:

Just like asking too many questions especially of the personal nature is bad, going on and on about yourself  is just as bad. It can come across as self centred, selfish and really it's quite annoying - of course talk about yourself, but make sure it's on an equal playing field!

LEAVE THE PHONE ALONE!

 There is nothing more annoying than someone who cannot put their phone down, least of all on a date! Keep it on silent, and leave it be! 

Do you have any tips?

 

How To Rebuff Unwanted Advances

Obviously when you're young and beautiful, and magnetic you're going to receive unwanted advances.  Bizarrely often the less attention you pay someone the more persistent they become.

A swift sharp rebuff MUST come sooner rather than later.
Never make fun of a love struck fool because one day it might be you.
Treat as you wish to be treated, and never date out of sympathy.
Tempting as it is to keep your options open, don't give false hope, and don't be a tease. 

Hard as it is, you have to be honest. There is no nice way to let someone down. 'Lets just be friends' or 'I value our friendship too much to have a relationship with you' are cowardly, inexcusable and, frankly, insulting. Unless you mean it, and then you have to be cruel to be kind. 

Always do the deed face to face, or if they are likely to be completely hysterical and irrational, on the telephone. Talk it through. Dumping someone via text or email is pathetic. 

The direct approach is defiantly favoured by Vivienne Westwood. Bella Freud witnessed her classy rebuff. In a club a man who used to hold a torch for Vivienne came bounding over, but she just lifted her arms in the air and drew a circle around herself. When asked what she was doing, she replied 'I am rubbing you out, Sir' 

Remember: From Jane Austen to When Harry Met Sally, the fact that men and women cannot simply 'be friends', has been amply illustrated. 

What To Do When They Don't Want You Anymore?

You didn't expect this to happen, you had noticed that they were maybe being a little distant with you, but you know that feeling when you assume that once you sit down and talk it through that things will be sorted, resolved you can go back to being happy. But then it doesn't work out like that, they tell you how hard it is, and they are sorry but it has to end. When a break up comes out of nowhere you can go from being so happy, to leaving single, alone and unsure of how you are going handle tonight let alone the future months.

You try and convince yourself that this isn't going to permanent, they will realise after some time has passed how much they miss you, you love each other right? So you wait. You look at your phone and hope each time it rings or buzzes that it is them. They will tell you they made a mistake and they love you, and it is all going to be ok. The problem is this call never comes, you wait and wait and suffer some more but still nothing. Then it happens you relapse and contact them. After a bit on convincing they agree to talk, and talk you do. 

This is it, they are going to realise how much you mean to them, how much you love them and they love you and it's all going to be OK – any second now they will say those words you need 'lets try again' but they don't. In your desperation, you start to say things that you don’t even know are true but that feel true in the moment: that you’ll never meet somebody as special as them, that your life feels empty without them, and that you can’t do this any more. You’re crying now, sobbing, and they’re five feet away but a million miles apart, unwilling to touch or hold you, unwilling to give you the physical comfort that you so desperately need. But they only have silence, they tell you that it isn't easy for them, but they mean it when they say it – they are never getting back together with you. 

I know you are thinking never? All the memories, the amazing sex, the trips, the in jokes? Then you start to get angry. How could they do this to you, they promised they would catch you if you fell, and how can they just end this? And then they cry and they ask you to leave and you're not sure what just happened but it's over. Like really, really over. This pattern may well repeat, you wait for the phone calls, the texts and then you contact them and so the cycle repeats itself. 

The pattern might repeat: the phone calls, the going over to their place and the devolving into an argument, but they stick by their decision through it all. And it starts to sink in: the fact that no matter what you say, what you do or how desperately you try, this person is not getting back with you. You want to feel angry, you want to feel betrayed, and more than anything, you just want to have them back. This has happened to me, and what did it? When he said to me 'I don't know if I love you anymore' and I suddenly realised well, thought do I really want to be with someone that didn't love me? But it still fucking hurts.

But I guarantee that if somebody breaks up with you, and sticks with it long enough to override all those probably-still-remaining feelings of attraction towards you, they really believe that it’s the right decision for themselves. And even if you disagree, you need to let them figure that out on their own. They can’t figure it out if they’re having sex with you. They can’t figure it out if they’re sleeping in bed cuddled up next to you. They can’t figure it out if you’re taking them on dates and kissing them on the forehead and telling them how much you love them. That shit’s confusing as hell. Intimacy is like the superglue of human relationships: it makes us stick together, whether or not we’re of the same material.

 

 

Find ways to occupy yourself in their absence. Be productive. Write in a journal, read a book, hang out with your friends. Don’t try to fill the void with someone else immediately; use the time alone to learn more about yourself. If you “do you,” it’s a win-win situation: either one day they’ll see that and feel attracted to you again, but even if they don’t, you’ll have grown and set yourself up for something even better, even more beautiful, in the future. You’re going through the five stages of grief right now; take solace in the fact that the final stage is acceptance. Maybe what attracted you guys to each other will eventually pull you together again, but not right now. 

You can’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t—or doesn’t know if they—want to be in a relationship with you. You know, in your heart of hearts, that that wouldn’t make you truly happy. And it wouldn’t make them happy either—the fact that they broke up with you is a testament to that. As much as your heart urges you otherwise, you know you don’t deserve a relationship with someone whose heart isn’t really in it. No one does.

How To Deal With A Break Up On Social Media

Oh break ups! You have the raging row, you storm our the house, you put the angriest song on and drive home. What is our first instinct? Get on social media, slam him, put independent woman quotes, tweets 'girl problems' on the twitter. Don't worry we have all been there, you're not alone – in this digital age people are very quick to take to social media to express emotions (especially when alcohol has been involved.) But it's become a general second nature, think of all the photos of dinner in instagram! But when it comes to break ups? DON'T DO IT. 

Instead, practice some social media break-up etiquette. Now, every break-up is different, so not all of these rules will apply to any one relationship. They are more like guidelines for a happier social media life. So, heed the warnings! Here is our advice 

Do NOT rant about your Ex on Facebook. Everyone wants to do this. It has become almost an instinctive reaction to either good or bad news. The whole Facebook world needs to know about it, right? Wrong. Please, keep that shit to yourself. Because you know what? Think about it when we see people post stuff like that, we laugh? we analyse? And we make assumptions etc – so don't let you be that person.

 

If you do want to post something, then post something positive, something good in your life and about new beginnings etc. So don't post that clearly attention begging status such as 'Why do bad things always happen to me?' it's attention seeking and quite frankly annoying. Post something positive! This IS a new beginning. 

Yes, feel free to delete your Ex, unfollow him, and basically eliminate him from your social network. It’s your personal network, and if you don’t want to see him/him to see you, by all means, get rid of him. It can also be wise to do this especially if you find yourself continuing to check his facebook/twitter/instagram it stops you from being able to. 

Defiantly do this to avoid the urge to stalk your ex after a few wines at 2am. This is the biggest problem! As when you accidentally hit like his status from 2011 or a picture, or see new girls commenting etc well it's only going to make you feel bad.

 

However, I would advise against blocking the Ex, (unless necessary). I know not everyone wants to be friends with an Ex, but he/she was very close to you for a reason. By not blocking, you leave the option for friendship open. However if he is cheating, lying horrible bastard? Well they by all means block away. But from experience I am friends with a few exes, and only because the door was left open. 

There is then the problem of the mutual friends, or being friends with his family and friends. Now deleting them all straight away can look bad, so possibly if you can just do it slowly weed them out over a few weeks. That being said just because you met through your ex as long as it doesn't cause any drama then why not stay friends with them? 

Angry? Got some pretty racey photos of your ex? Well don't post them, don't honestly. Even if he has done you wrong, what are the chances he has something you might not even know about? Save them for a laugh, but if you post them it makes you look angry and upset (even though you might be) but you're asking for a war, and trust me no one will win. 

Finally, when in doubt, do NOT post anything when you’re upset, angry or sad. I’m talking anything. It could be liking a status, tweeting something snarky, or just writing “I Miss You” on his wall. Don’t do it! None of these are things that you’re going to look back on in 24 hours and think, oh yeah, that was smart. 

Break ups suck. It’s a fact of life. But Love is great, and people will continue to search for it. Just remember, along the path to finding that right guy, you’ll have some stumbles. 

So, just make sure your social media self doesn’t create more issues and drama than your real life.

Guys you should never date.

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We all have that ex boyfriend who was nothing but bad for us – for various reasons. So how do we avoid making the same mistakes twice? Well I decided to put a list of the men who should just avoid dating all together, because they are nothing but bad news. 

The Married Guy

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Nothing, I repeat nothing comes from dating a man who is not avaliable. Especially when they are married. I got hit on once by someone who was quite openly married – and mistake number one? I let him flirt with me etc. It was fun to begin with, he would send me flirty yet secretive texts, it felt bad and naughty and exciting. I fizzled it out as he was to be honest just anoying, but I do know people who have continued from a bit of flirty banter into a full on affair. That's all it is an affair. He will never leave his wife, you will always be the other woman (and most likey the one who is blamed) and ultimatly the one who left out in the cold. 

Long Distance.

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I am friends with one couple who have made this work. Both in successful creative jobs and led very independent lives. That is ONE couple in my 15 years of seeing people date. Like the couple who are together in high school? But then go to different universities? Never works – you both meet new people, new experiences etc it's inevitable. The guy you meet in the bar but he is from Australia? Germany? Yes texting him might be fun and you met up once whilst he was here? Call it is what it is, a holiday romance - same if you go away and meet someone. Unless you are prepared to make the move with someone (and you WANT to make the move, and they want you to – another mistake make sure they do) then have fun with these romances and move on. 

The Ex 

 

This one might be an obvious one – but the line between and ex and not sleeping with a ex and getting back with an ex is a very blurred one. Its a struggle though, a massive one. (I slept with my ex for a good year after we split) Now this did not only stop me from finding someone else and moving on, damanging friendships as I kept lying to people about the fact I was sleeping with him, but it was emotionally not good. I kept thinking I could change him, make him want me. Sure the sex was good, the company? it's easy and comfortable, and it's such an easy fall back. He was my ex for a reason, and yours is your ex for a reason. So just stop it right now.

The guys you cannot have.

 

There are a few of these: 

Co workers. DO NOT DO IT. One of my best friends has to work with his ex girlfriend every day and lets just say it is not fun.

The guy who you really really like but he just isn't that keen: Sleeping with him will not make him love you, it will make your feelings stronger and he will have slept with a cute girl. If he doesn't want you for more than one night he doesn't deserve you at all.

The barman at your local pub: You know him, he knows what you drink. Yes he isn't your usual type, but he has seen you at your worst, so what harm could it do? It will do a lot of harm – if you like drinking there? Don't do it you will be looking for a new place to drink. 

The guy who REALLY likes you. 

 

Trust me there is always that one guy that really likes you – you know the one – they have always shown a certain affinity to you, they give you attention when you need it – but you're really not that keen. Leave them there, don't make it into something it isn't. You wouldn't want someone dating you to feel better about themslves so don't do it to them. Plus it's always nice to have them around for that little bit of attention here and there!

 Have we missed any?!

Why isn't he/she asking me out?

You like him, he likes you (you think) but he hasn't asked you out. Why? Well I am not dating guru, but here are my tips and possible reasons why he isn't asking you out. Some are blunt, some are obvious, some may just be my opinion but hey here you go! 

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He just got out of a bad relationship and he does, not matter what games you think he is playing or google tells you, just want to be single for a while. (Been there, done that and it isn't an excuse) 

 

He is not over his ex. 

You avoid him at all costs, even if it is because you are just hella nervous. (Would you ask someone out if they avoided you?) 

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He thinks you see him as just a friend. Treat him that way, he will think that way. Or he sees you as just a friend – and if he does – you have two options, be his friend and be OK with that (if you're not you will throw yourself into a state of hurt) or not be OK with that and cut ties. 

 

You're his late night drunk fun time phone call. (you get my drift)

 

You're intimidating, you have been playing the games you think you should play, you play hard to get, send mixed signals. If you send mixed signals, he will get mixed signals. Be honest, and clear.

 

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He doesn't want to stay in the area, wants to move abroad / is moving abroad. No relationship really wants to start as a long distance one. The stats don't like. 

You avoid him at all costs, even if it is because you are just hella nervous. (Would you ask someone out if they avoided you?) 

 

He thinks you're out of his league.

You go on and on about all the dates you are going on, and how you think this guy 'might be the start of something' it's not going to make him jealous (well maybe for a little while) but it will make him look elsewhere.

You used to date his best friend.

You talk a lot about how you love being single, can't imagine be tied down.

He's just not that into you – which sucks but you're a catch, just not his.

 

Ask him out, seriously just ask him out – what the hell do anyone of know until we bite the bullet, and do it. Rejection is a mother fucker, but it's also a sure fire way to get the answer and date the hell out of him, or move on.