Break Up Tips I Wish I Had Listened To

When my first serious relationship ended, I turned into a mess of watching crap on tv, eating takeaways, and crying into bottles of wine. Eventually I got over my ex, but the advice I was given during this time, I wish had listened to. It would have made the situation better, I would have felt better sooner. These are some of the better break-up pearls of wisdom I received; be smarter than me and listen to these pointers — it’ll make the process much less terrible.

Talk About It.

In order to fully get over any situation, you should talk about it and reason it through. Figure out what went wrong. Reason through it. Understand that it wasn’t your fault — it always takes two. Avoid playing the “what if” game (unless you’re trying to drive yourself crazy). Grab anyone who will listen and vent until you feel yourself feeling better.

Depend On Your Friends, But Be There For Them As Well.

One silver lining of any break-up is that you inevitably become closer to your friends. You will probably rely on them a lot for emotional support because you’ve just lost one of the people closest to you. Who else is going to drag you out of your place when you’ve been holed up in your room, wearing the same pyjamas for three days in a row and writing angst-y poetry that sounds like something straight out of Taylor Swift’s diary?

Go on friend dates. Go to dinner, the movies, or parties with them. You are no longer singularly focusing all of your emotional energy on one other person; take the opportunity to focus it on those around you and become a better friend.

Stop Speaking To Them Regularly, For At Least A Period Of Time.


If you continue talking to your ex without having gotten over your break-up — even if it is only semi-regularly — you will constantly feel shitty because they will continue to be on your mind. Breaking up with someone means that you can no longer be emotionally involved with him or her in the same way; you can’t turn to your ex for validation and you can’t let him or her use you for validation either. Maybe you two had an umbilical cord of undying communication before you broke up. Maybe you told each other everything — from what you ate for breakfast to something funny your boss said. You don’t get to do that anymore. Wait until you’ve had some time to heal before you resume communication.

Focus Energy On Yourself 

One perk of breaking up with someone is that you suddenly have all of this time that you’re no longer spending on or with him or her. Take some of that time and invest it in yourself — whether it be working on self-improvement or taking up a new hobby. Read books. Go the gym. Learn how to speak Japanese. Find something that can sap up some of your energy, serving as a distraction while also making you feel good about yourself.
 

Avoid Their Social Media

The reasoning behind this is very similar to the logic behind #3. We live in the age of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and what-have-you. The problem with social media is that it feeds our greatest fear: that our ex is having fun — no, that our ex is happier — without us. The more time you spend at your desk, refreshing their Facebook page to find out what they’re doing or who they’re hanging out with at any given moment, the more you stunt your emotional growth.

So, hide them from your News Feed. Un-follow them for a little while. It might seem petty, but you will thank yourself for it later.

Don't Hook Up With Them Again

It’s easy to hook up with an ex. You already know what they like, and you already feel comfortable with them. In addition, chances are that you’re still attracted to them — even though it would be so much easier if you weren’t. Don’t hook up with them after you’ve broken up. Just don’t do it, no matter how tempting it seems. Doing so is like ripping open the delicate scab that has just begun to form over the gash they slashed in your heart. You will continue to feel attached to them, and it will just take longer to get over them. 

Don't Rebound Too Fast

We all know the serial dater — the person who jumps straight into one relationship from another. This probably isn’t the healthiest break-up tactic: more often than not, it means that you’re placing your self-worth in the state of being with another person.  Learn how to be alone first. Learn how to make yourself happy instead of relying on other people to make you happy. Learn how to depend on yourself before you allow yourself to depend on someone else.

 When You Feel Ready, Date Casually.

They say that one of the best ways to get over someone is to get under someone else. While this isn’t wholly true, it can help the process — as long as you aren’t trying to become emotionally involved with someone too soon after your break-up (see #7).  Dating casually — or even hooking up casually — can help you regain some of the confidence that you probably lost after your break-up. Though you can’t depend on external validation, it’s nice to feel wanted and to know that other people want you.

Get Rid Of Their Stuff

keeping their stuff is unnecessary emotional masochism. It will only serve to remind you of them and the memories you shared, which you may be able to look back upon with fondness in the future but certainly not before you’ve gotten over the break-up.

Do yourself a favour and toss out their stuff — even the really expensive necklace they bought you from Tiffany’s for your birthday. Think of it as emotional cleansing. Just as you’ve purged them from your life, purge all of the stuff that came with them.

It Gets Better

You will find yourself thinking about them less and less. Sometimes, you will go whole days — and then whole weeks — without thinking about them. You will forget all of the details of their life that seemed so significant when you loved them. When it feels shitty, it feels shitty and you’ll just have to tough it out. But one day, you will wake up and all the pain and anger you harboured during the bleakest moments of your break-up will have disappeared.

Things NOT To Do After A Break-Up

Don’t listen to Beyoncé’s “I Miss You”

There are a whole slew of songs you should steer clear of during a break up. Like, I don’t know, ANYTHING ever recorded, EVER, by Celine Dion? Or “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen—that’ll do a real number on you. “Thinkin’ Bout You” by Frank Ocean, “Everytime” by Britney Spears, the list goes on. But perhaps the worst song you could ever listen to is Beyoncé’s “I Miss You” (re: “I thought that things like this get better with time / But I still need you, why is that? / You’re the only image in my mind / So I still see you…around / I miss you like everyday / Wanna be with you, but you’re away / Said I miss you, missing you insane / But if I got with you, could it feel the same?”). Instant tears. Don’t do it.

 Avoid third wheeling

Which, let me tell you, gets harder and harder with each passing day as all of your best friends get plucked up like little lilacs out of dirt. Still, you’re going to want to avoid this if, for nothing else, than to shroud your poor ears from cutesy nicknames or from the song that they plan to play at their unplanned wedding. Which brings me to the next one...

Don’t go to weddings

Do I really need to explain this one?

Don’t go cray cray on your ex

Easier said than done, but still worth reiterating. If you’re about to send him a I NEED YOU I LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU in text message form, send it to your best friend instead. It’s much harder for a friend to break up with you.

Don’t wallow…especially in his clothes

If you happen to have sartorial remnants of your ex scattered about your home, you’re going to want to gather them all up and put them in a safe, yet unreachable spot. The urge to wear his underwear and t-shirts around the house—to casually roll around with them in bed and smell them until your nostril hairs are burned off—will be strong. Exercise restraint.

Don’t force yourself to have casual sex

Because chances are you’ll start crying, try to spoon him after, or something weird like that. Not a good look.

But also, don’t dive right into another relationship...

The pleasure and sense of relief you might get by doing this will be strong, but fleeting. It’s like the whole band-aid solution—you’re not allowing yourself to fully heal from the break up.

Don’t stalk him

That means on social media or in person. After a break up it’s easy to slip imperceptibly into Swimfan mode without even realising it. Well take note—DON’T. Don’t get into the habit of checking his Facebook page every time you sign in, because this will soon become second nature and, eventually, an impulse you’ll perform like clockwork. But also, don’t underestimate the weirdness of stalking in person too. Don’t be that girl who shows up to a party he’s at and stands in the corner the whole time watching his every move. Know why? Because it’s creepy.

Don’t sift through your old photos

There’s a reason for the phrase, “A picture tells a thousand stories.” Pictures are able to tell a ton of stories because you can extend your imagination and suspend disbelief. Looking at old photos won’t bring to mind that time he cheated on you. Looking at old photos of you and your ex will help you forget the bad times, remember the good times, and cloak all of your memories in illusions.

Don’t try and show off “how happy you are” via social media

You might not think it’s transparent, but trust me, it is.

 

Don’t “oops wrong text” him

Girl, I KNOW I didn’t just hear what I think I heard. That you intentionally sent him the text message that was meant for your best friend. I know right now it seems like a great jealousy-inducing ploy, texting him, “Hey, you on your way?” followed by a “oops wrong text,” but in actuality, it’s not. It is obvious.

Don’t expect any grand gestures

Again, with the whole suspending disbelief thing—just don’t do it. After break ups it’s easy to let yourself slip into romantic mode and be consumed by fantasies. Well, snap out of it. When you open your front door tonight, do you know what won’t be at home waiting for you? Your ex, with a bouquet of flowers, a hand-written sonnet and a bathtub filled with fluff. Don’t get it twisted.

Tale as old as time.

Clichéd, annoying, and frustrating. Time heels, the above things help speed the process. You will be OK, you will love again, and you will happy.

What Not To Do When You Have Been Cheated On

Some people can forgive and forget a cheater (and apparently it happens to 80% of us) Each relationship is different, and maybe you can try again after once, but I am also a great believer that if you allow someone to treat you like that and get away with it? Well they will do it again because they can. So if you are looking for reasons to forgive I am not the girl for you. However I can tell you what NOT to do, because you want to keep your cool, and be a lady and not do any of the following, because I did some and in the end I just looked stupid. Lets go!

Call him out on Facebook or Twitter …unless you want to look like the bitter, twisted and totally-not-over-it ex that you AREN'T.

Pierce his car with ice picks. Tempting, right? But rise above…

Or cover it in graffiti.

Throw everything he ever bought you at his horrible cheating face. Why throw away your time together when you could sell it on eBay for a profit?

Revenge cheat. Trust us – it's not going to make you feel any better.

Take out a billboard. Spend the money on an exotic cocktail-based holiday instead.

Have sex with your ex. Unlike Ms Rachel Green, move FORWARDS, not backwards.

Throw everything he ever bought you at his horrible cheating face. Why throw away your time together when you could sell it on eBay for a profit?

Tell him you've been cheating too (when you really haven't). Farewell, moral high ground…

Tell everyone he's got a small penis. Unless you do it like this woman.

Hold a 'lying cheating bastard' sale. Seriously, that shit takes effort.

Make him a sign that advertises his own shame. You can only really do this if you stay together, and why would you want to stay with a guy who a) cheats, and b) stands at the side of the road wearing a sandwich board telling everyone about it?

Put flyers up everywhere letting everyone now what a douche he is. They'll crumble at the first sign of rain, anyway. This is not America. (Well it might be if you're reading this there!)

But DO...Shake him off, get your game face on and take it like a woman. Revenge is a dish best served with a massive smile on your face, so don't give him the satisfaction of your anger or tears. Be happy, do amazing things and have fun – living well is the best revenge.

Blocking After A Breakup

Facebook, for most, is part of our daily lives and when it comes to creating relationships and connection it is a worthwhile platform to be part of. However, Facebook can also be very dangerous when a relationship breaks down as you may well be finding yourself spending hours on the platform stalking your ex. This is, of course, is a BIG no-no! Believe me, I have been there.

Here are five reasons why Facebook stalking your ex is a bad idea:

1) It will keep you hurting

You need time to heal and watching what he is up to is not giving you the space to do so. Instead de-friend him so you can heal. If you don't want to de-friend facebook allows you to hide, but if you find yourself continuing to then still look, then de-friend. Healing has to be done in your own space with no disturbances. Part of the healing process is to commit to letting go of the exact things you don't want to let go of and change. However if you do make that commitment, magic happens.

2) It's detrimental to your self-esteem.

When you are healing your heart, its important to focus on you and use your time to do this to build up your self-esteem again. Instead do things that build up your self-esteem by finding out what is important to you in your inner world.

3) Stop you from meeting someone else.

If you are focusing on your ex and putting all your energy into that, are you allowing the space for someone new to come in? Of course not. Instead, focus on allowing the space for someone new, so that you can move on with your life. 

4) Waste your time

There is only one resource that you will never get back and that is your time. It may sound cliché but oh so true. Why give them your time? Surely your time is better served doing something wonderful for you instead of giving up your power to someone that ultimately is no longer in your life?

Don't have your power taken from you and when you feel the urge to get on there, do something else to nurture yourself. 

5) You will believe what is not true.

Facebook, in my very humble opinion, is NOT real. It is extremely one-sided and for the most part, people don't ever seem to be sad. You only ever get the one sided happy perspective of how amazing our lives are. Nevertheless, how do we really know that this is the truth? We don't.

The problem with stalking your ex, is that you will start to believe that he is having an incredible time of it. You will start comparing your life to his and guaranteed you will feel that moving on for your ex was easy, when in fact you just don't know. Assumptions only ever bring suffering.

Instead, focus on your life and what you are doing and this will start to bring your self confidence back.

What To Do When They Don't Want You Anymore?

You didn't expect this to happen, you had noticed that they were maybe being a little distant with you, but you know that feeling when you assume that once you sit down and talk it through that things will be sorted, resolved you can go back to being happy. But then it doesn't work out like that, they tell you how hard it is, and they are sorry but it has to end. When a break up comes out of nowhere you can go from being so happy, to leaving single, alone and unsure of how you are going handle tonight let alone the future months.

You try and convince yourself that this isn't going to permanent, they will realise after some time has passed how much they miss you, you love each other right? So you wait. You look at your phone and hope each time it rings or buzzes that it is them. They will tell you they made a mistake and they love you, and it is all going to be ok. The problem is this call never comes, you wait and wait and suffer some more but still nothing. Then it happens you relapse and contact them. After a bit on convincing they agree to talk, and talk you do. 

This is it, they are going to realise how much you mean to them, how much you love them and they love you and it's all going to be OK – any second now they will say those words you need 'lets try again' but they don't. In your desperation, you start to say things that you don’t even know are true but that feel true in the moment: that you’ll never meet somebody as special as them, that your life feels empty without them, and that you can’t do this any more. You’re crying now, sobbing, and they’re five feet away but a million miles apart, unwilling to touch or hold you, unwilling to give you the physical comfort that you so desperately need. But they only have silence, they tell you that it isn't easy for them, but they mean it when they say it – they are never getting back together with you. 

I know you are thinking never? All the memories, the amazing sex, the trips, the in jokes? Then you start to get angry. How could they do this to you, they promised they would catch you if you fell, and how can they just end this? And then they cry and they ask you to leave and you're not sure what just happened but it's over. Like really, really over. This pattern may well repeat, you wait for the phone calls, the texts and then you contact them and so the cycle repeats itself. 

The pattern might repeat: the phone calls, the going over to their place and the devolving into an argument, but they stick by their decision through it all. And it starts to sink in: the fact that no matter what you say, what you do or how desperately you try, this person is not getting back with you. You want to feel angry, you want to feel betrayed, and more than anything, you just want to have them back. This has happened to me, and what did it? When he said to me 'I don't know if I love you anymore' and I suddenly realised well, thought do I really want to be with someone that didn't love me? But it still fucking hurts.

But I guarantee that if somebody breaks up with you, and sticks with it long enough to override all those probably-still-remaining feelings of attraction towards you, they really believe that it’s the right decision for themselves. And even if you disagree, you need to let them figure that out on their own. They can’t figure it out if they’re having sex with you. They can’t figure it out if they’re sleeping in bed cuddled up next to you. They can’t figure it out if you’re taking them on dates and kissing them on the forehead and telling them how much you love them. That shit’s confusing as hell. Intimacy is like the superglue of human relationships: it makes us stick together, whether or not we’re of the same material.

 

 

Find ways to occupy yourself in their absence. Be productive. Write in a journal, read a book, hang out with your friends. Don’t try to fill the void with someone else immediately; use the time alone to learn more about yourself. If you “do you,” it’s a win-win situation: either one day they’ll see that and feel attracted to you again, but even if they don’t, you’ll have grown and set yourself up for something even better, even more beautiful, in the future. You’re going through the five stages of grief right now; take solace in the fact that the final stage is acceptance. Maybe what attracted you guys to each other will eventually pull you together again, but not right now. 

You can’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t—or doesn’t know if they—want to be in a relationship with you. You know, in your heart of hearts, that that wouldn’t make you truly happy. And it wouldn’t make them happy either—the fact that they broke up with you is a testament to that. As much as your heart urges you otherwise, you know you don’t deserve a relationship with someone whose heart isn’t really in it. No one does.

How To Deal With A Break Up On Social Media

Oh break ups! You have the raging row, you storm our the house, you put the angriest song on and drive home. What is our first instinct? Get on social media, slam him, put independent woman quotes, tweets 'girl problems' on the twitter. Don't worry we have all been there, you're not alone – in this digital age people are very quick to take to social media to express emotions (especially when alcohol has been involved.) But it's become a general second nature, think of all the photos of dinner in instagram! But when it comes to break ups? DON'T DO IT. 

Instead, practice some social media break-up etiquette. Now, every break-up is different, so not all of these rules will apply to any one relationship. They are more like guidelines for a happier social media life. So, heed the warnings! Here is our advice 

Do NOT rant about your Ex on Facebook. Everyone wants to do this. It has become almost an instinctive reaction to either good or bad news. The whole Facebook world needs to know about it, right? Wrong. Please, keep that shit to yourself. Because you know what? Think about it when we see people post stuff like that, we laugh? we analyse? And we make assumptions etc – so don't let you be that person.

 

If you do want to post something, then post something positive, something good in your life and about new beginnings etc. So don't post that clearly attention begging status such as 'Why do bad things always happen to me?' it's attention seeking and quite frankly annoying. Post something positive! This IS a new beginning. 

Yes, feel free to delete your Ex, unfollow him, and basically eliminate him from your social network. It’s your personal network, and if you don’t want to see him/him to see you, by all means, get rid of him. It can also be wise to do this especially if you find yourself continuing to check his facebook/twitter/instagram it stops you from being able to. 

Defiantly do this to avoid the urge to stalk your ex after a few wines at 2am. This is the biggest problem! As when you accidentally hit like his status from 2011 or a picture, or see new girls commenting etc well it's only going to make you feel bad.

 

However, I would advise against blocking the Ex, (unless necessary). I know not everyone wants to be friends with an Ex, but he/she was very close to you for a reason. By not blocking, you leave the option for friendship open. However if he is cheating, lying horrible bastard? Well they by all means block away. But from experience I am friends with a few exes, and only because the door was left open. 

There is then the problem of the mutual friends, or being friends with his family and friends. Now deleting them all straight away can look bad, so possibly if you can just do it slowly weed them out over a few weeks. That being said just because you met through your ex as long as it doesn't cause any drama then why not stay friends with them? 

Angry? Got some pretty racey photos of your ex? Well don't post them, don't honestly. Even if he has done you wrong, what are the chances he has something you might not even know about? Save them for a laugh, but if you post them it makes you look angry and upset (even though you might be) but you're asking for a war, and trust me no one will win. 

Finally, when in doubt, do NOT post anything when you’re upset, angry or sad. I’m talking anything. It could be liking a status, tweeting something snarky, or just writing “I Miss You” on his wall. Don’t do it! None of these are things that you’re going to look back on in 24 hours and think, oh yeah, that was smart. 

Break ups suck. It’s a fact of life. But Love is great, and people will continue to search for it. Just remember, along the path to finding that right guy, you’ll have some stumbles. 

So, just make sure your social media self doesn’t create more issues and drama than your real life.