Signs You’re Way Too Old To Be Going Out This Hard

You feel like you’re coated in a permanent lining of dried sweat and whiskey.

The very mention of “shots” makes you want to hire your own personal security detail.

You’ve crossed paths with a particular bouncer with such frequency, you’ve started to wonder, with incredible detail, what his life outside his job is like.

Hangovers have taken on the mantra of the boyfriend/girlfriend who’s around so often, it really doesn’t make sense not to move in.

Every upbeat song making the current radio rounds is somewhat familiar, though you don’t have the slightest clue who all these “going out” songs are by.

You’ve slept on enough random sofas to have penned an review book of them. 

You haven’t bought new clothes in 2 months, but your checking account makes you cringe each time.

After breaking down the numbers, you’ve become so upset with the terrible investment that is drinking alcohol that you need a cocktail this second.

And then subsequently hate-google “AA.”

There is no word to describe the envy you feel for people who “have mornings” and don’t sweat radioactive poison.

Tell everyone you know how much you hate drinking, in the way a third grader with a huge crush on Sarah tells everyone how much he hates Sarah.

You order entire pizzas for yourself, have one bite, burp, and fall asleep.

Your greatest fear is looking at a picture of your liver.

You’ve lost so many dinners to happy hours, you have half a mind to construct a memorial.

Even that really strong-willed angel that floats around your right ear has come to terms with the fact that your car is probably gonna be staying here overnight.

Your blackout resume features both proms and weddings.

You take to shadowing the drunken Aunt/Uncle at weddings, just to see if it’s a suitable career path.

You’ve started to refer to the hardest of your nights as “your ‘nam.”

It’s 2am, you have work in 5 hours, and the zombie that has taken over your body is staring at the wall repeating “drank, drank.” incessantly.

I mean you know it's time to start on the cocoa and early nights when you start finding these relevant!