Things NOT To Do After A Break-Up

Don’t listen to Beyoncé’s “I Miss You”

There are a whole slew of songs you should steer clear of during a break up. Like, I don’t know, ANYTHING ever recorded, EVER, by Celine Dion? Or “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen—that’ll do a real number on you. “Thinkin’ Bout You” by Frank Ocean, “Everytime” by Britney Spears, the list goes on. But perhaps the worst song you could ever listen to is Beyoncé’s “I Miss You” (re: “I thought that things like this get better with time / But I still need you, why is that? / You’re the only image in my mind / So I still see you…around / I miss you like everyday / Wanna be with you, but you’re away / Said I miss you, missing you insane / But if I got with you, could it feel the same?”). Instant tears. Don’t do it.

 Avoid third wheeling

Which, let me tell you, gets harder and harder with each passing day as all of your best friends get plucked up like little lilacs out of dirt. Still, you’re going to want to avoid this if, for nothing else, than to shroud your poor ears from cutesy nicknames or from the song that they plan to play at their unplanned wedding. Which brings me to the next one...

Don’t go to weddings

Do I really need to explain this one?

Don’t go cray cray on your ex

Easier said than done, but still worth reiterating. If you’re about to send him a I NEED YOU I LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU in text message form, send it to your best friend instead. It’s much harder for a friend to break up with you.

Don’t wallow…especially in his clothes

If you happen to have sartorial remnants of your ex scattered about your home, you’re going to want to gather them all up and put them in a safe, yet unreachable spot. The urge to wear his underwear and t-shirts around the house—to casually roll around with them in bed and smell them until your nostril hairs are burned off—will be strong. Exercise restraint.

Don’t force yourself to have casual sex

Because chances are you’ll start crying, try to spoon him after, or something weird like that. Not a good look.

But also, don’t dive right into another relationship...

The pleasure and sense of relief you might get by doing this will be strong, but fleeting. It’s like the whole band-aid solution—you’re not allowing yourself to fully heal from the break up.

Don’t stalk him

That means on social media or in person. After a break up it’s easy to slip imperceptibly into Swimfan mode without even realising it. Well take note—DON’T. Don’t get into the habit of checking his Facebook page every time you sign in, because this will soon become second nature and, eventually, an impulse you’ll perform like clockwork. But also, don’t underestimate the weirdness of stalking in person too. Don’t be that girl who shows up to a party he’s at and stands in the corner the whole time watching his every move. Know why? Because it’s creepy.

Don’t sift through your old photos

There’s a reason for the phrase, “A picture tells a thousand stories.” Pictures are able to tell a ton of stories because you can extend your imagination and suspend disbelief. Looking at old photos won’t bring to mind that time he cheated on you. Looking at old photos of you and your ex will help you forget the bad times, remember the good times, and cloak all of your memories in illusions.

Don’t try and show off “how happy you are” via social media

You might not think it’s transparent, but trust me, it is.

 

Don’t “oops wrong text” him

Girl, I KNOW I didn’t just hear what I think I heard. That you intentionally sent him the text message that was meant for your best friend. I know right now it seems like a great jealousy-inducing ploy, texting him, “Hey, you on your way?” followed by a “oops wrong text,” but in actuality, it’s not. It is obvious.

Don’t expect any grand gestures

Again, with the whole suspending disbelief thing—just don’t do it. After break ups it’s easy to let yourself slip into romantic mode and be consumed by fantasies. Well, snap out of it. When you open your front door tonight, do you know what won’t be at home waiting for you? Your ex, with a bouquet of flowers, a hand-written sonnet and a bathtub filled with fluff. Don’t get it twisted.

Tale as old as time.

Clichéd, annoying, and frustrating. Time heels, the above things help speed the process. You will be OK, you will love again, and you will happy.