Don’t listen to Beyoncé’s “I Miss You”
There are a whole slew of songs you should steer clear of during a
break up. Like, I don’t know, ANYTHING ever recorded, EVER, by Celine
Dion? Or “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen—that’ll do a real number on you.
“Thinkin’ Bout You” by Frank Ocean, “Everytime” by Britney Spears, the
list goes on. But perhaps the worst song you could ever listen to is
Beyoncé’s “I Miss You” (re: “I thought that things like this get better
with time / But I still need you, why is that? / You’re the only image
in my mind / So I still see you…around / I miss you like everyday /
Wanna be with you, but you’re away / Said I miss you, missing you insane
/ But if I got with you, could it feel the same?”). Instant tears.
Don’t do it.
Avoid third wheeling
Which, let me tell you, gets harder and harder with each passing day
as all of your best friends get plucked up like little lilacs out of
dirt. Still, you’re going to want to avoid this if, for nothing else,
than to shroud your poor ears from cutesy nicknames or from the song
that they plan to play at their unplanned wedding. Which brings me to the next one...
Don’t go to weddings
Do I really need to explain this one?
Don’t go cray cray on your ex
Easier said than done, but still worth reiterating. If you’re about
to send him a I NEED YOU I LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU in text message form, send it to your best friend
instead. It’s much harder for a friend to break up with you.
Don’t wallow…especially in his clothes
If you happen to have sartorial remnants of your ex scattered about
your home, you’re going to want to gather them all up and put them in a
safe, yet unreachable spot. The urge to wear his underwear and t-shirts
around the house—to casually roll around with them in bed and smell them
until your nostril hairs are burned off—will be strong. Exercise
restraint.
Don’t force yourself to have casual sex
Because chances are you’ll start crying, try to spoon him after, or something weird like that. Not a good look.
But also, don’t dive right into another relationship...
The pleasure and sense of relief you might get by doing this will be
strong, but fleeting. It’s like the whole band-aid solution—you’re not
allowing yourself to fully heal from the break up.
Don’t stalk him
That means on social media or in person. After a break up it’s easy
to slip imperceptibly into Swimfan mode without even realising it. Well
take note—DON’T. Don’t get into the habit of checking his Facebook page
every time you sign in, because this will soon become second nature and,
eventually, an impulse you’ll perform like clockwork. But also, don’t
underestimate the weirdness of stalking in person too. Don’t be that
girl who shows up to a party he’s at and stands in the corner the whole
time watching his every move. Know why? Because it’s creepy.
Don’t sift through your old photos
There’s a reason for the phrase, “A picture tells a thousand
stories.” Pictures are able to tell a ton of stories because you can
extend your imagination and suspend disbelief. Looking at old photos
won’t bring to mind that time he cheated on you. Looking at old photos
of you and your ex will help you forget the bad times, remember the good
times, and cloak all of your memories in illusions.
Don’t try and show off “how happy you are” via social media
You might not think it’s transparent, but trust me, it is.
Don’t “oops wrong text” him
Girl, I KNOW I didn’t just hear what I think I heard. That you
intentionally sent him the text message that was meant for your best
friend. I know right now it seems like a great jealousy-inducing ploy,
texting him, “Hey, you on your way?” followed by a “oops wrong text,”
but in actuality, it’s not. It is obvious.
Don’t expect any grand gestures
Again, with the whole suspending disbelief thing—just don’t do it.
After break ups it’s easy to let yourself slip into romantic mode and be
consumed by fantasies. Well, snap out of it. When you open your front
door tonight, do you
know what won’t be at home waiting for you? Your ex, with a bouquet of
flowers, a hand-written sonnet and a bathtub filled with fluff. Don’t
get it twisted.
Tale as old as time.
Clichéd, annoying, and frustrating. Time heels, the above things help speed the process. You will be OK, you will love again, and you will happy.
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