What To Do When They Don't Want You Anymore?


You didn't expect this to happen, you had noticed that they were maybe being a little distant with you, but you know that feeling when you assume that once you sit down and talk it through that things will be sorted, resolved you can go back to being happy. But then it doesn't work out like that, they tell you how hard it is, and they are sorry but it has to end. When a break up comes out of nowhere you can go from being so happy, to leaving single, alone and unsure of how you are going handle tonight let alone the future months.

You try and convince yourself that this isn't going to permanent, they will realise after some time has passed how much they miss you, you love each other right? So you wait. You look at your phone and hope each time it rings or buzzes that it is them. They will tell you they made a mistake and they love you, and it is all going to be ok. The problem is this call never comes, you wait and wait and suffer some more but still nothing. Then it happens you relapse and contact them. After a bit on convincing they agree to talk, and talk you do. 


This is it, they are going to realise how much you mean to them, how much you love them and they love you and it's all going to be OK – any second now they will say those words you need 'lets try again' but they don't. In your desperation, you start to say things that you don’t even know are true but that feel true in the moment: that you’ll never meet somebody as special as them, that your life feels empty without them, and that you can’t do this any more. You’re crying now, sobbing, and they’re five feet away but a million miles apart, unwilling to touch or hold you, unwilling to give you the physical comfort that you so desperately need. But they only have silence, they tell you that it isn't easy for them, but they mean it when they say it – they are never getting back together with you. 

I know you are thinking never? All the memories, the amazing sex, the trips, the in jokes? Then you start to get angry. How could they do this to you, they promised they would catch you if you fell, and how can they just end this? And then they cry and they ask you to leave and you're not sure what just happened but it's over. Like really, really over. This pattern may well repeat, you wait for the phone calls, the texts and then you contact them and so the cycle repeats itself. 


The pattern might repeat: the phone calls, the going over to their place and the devolving into an argument, but they stick by their decision through it all. And it starts to sink in: the fact that no matter what you say, what you do or how desperately you try, this person is not getting back with you. You want to feel angry, you want to feel betrayed, and more than anything, you just want to have them back. This has happened to me, and what did it? When he said to me 'I don't know if I love you anymore' and I suddenly realised well, thought do I really want to be with someone that didn't love me? But it still fucking hurts.

But I guarantee that if somebody breaks up with you, and sticks with it long enough to override all those probably-still-remaining feelings of attraction towards you, they really believe that it’s the right decision for themselves. And even if you disagree, you need to let them figure that out on their own. They can’t figure it out if they’re having sex with you. They can’t figure it out if they’re sleeping in bed cuddled up next to you. They can’t figure it out if you’re taking them on dates and kissing them on the forehead and telling them how much you love them. That shit’s confusing as hell. Intimacy is like the superglue of human relationships: it makes us stick together, whether or not we’re of the same material.
 
Find ways to occupy yourself in their absence. Be productive. Write in a journal, read a book, hang out with your friends. Don’t try to fill the void with someone else immediately; use the time alone to learn more about yourself. If you “do you,” it’s a win-win situation: either one day they’ll see that and feel attracted to you again, but even if they don’t, you’ll have grown and set yourself up for something even better, even more beautiful, in the future. You’re going through the five stages of grief right now; take solace in the fact that the final stage is acceptance. Maybe what attracted you guys to each other will eventually pull you together again, but not right now. 

You can’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t—or doesn’t know if they—want to be in a relationship with you. You know, in your heart of hearts, that that wouldn’t make you truly happy. And it wouldn’t make them happy either—the fact that they broke up with you is a testament to that. As much as your heart urges you otherwise, you know you don’t deserve a relationship with someone whose heart isn’t really in it. No one does.


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